Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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