I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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