i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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