Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
