I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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