God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize