Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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