from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
