Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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