I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
a search helicopter?!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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