I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
