When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
