glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
