You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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