Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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