I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
