The maid of honor just puked.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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