apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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