Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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