I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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