just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
