ugly people sure do ruin things
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
