apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
