I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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