I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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