saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
