Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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