There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
