Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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