There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
