She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize