Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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