I think my vagina is haunted
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize