It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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