I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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