my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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