she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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