dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
