Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
FUCK WHALES
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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