you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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