my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
