nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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