apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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