my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
