Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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