apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
