so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
