DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
