his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize