Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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