i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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