I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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