im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
