You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
