i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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