I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You may now shotgun with the bride
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
