I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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