it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
