Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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