Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
